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Author Topic: PC467: How I Became Coruscating Queen Of All The Realms [ETC...]  (Read 311 times)
Castle Watchcat
Posts: 2735

Anything for a Weird Life

« on: April 25, 2017, 02:00:36 PM »

PodCastle 467: How I Became Coruscating Queen Of All The Realms, Pierced The Obsidian Night, Destroyed A Legendary Sword, And Saved My Heart’s True Love

by Baker and Dovey
read by Aimee Kuzenski
hosted by Graeme Dunlop
First published in No Sh!t There I Was….

Rated R for adult content

No shit, there I was, knee-deep in necromantic weasels in the lair of the mad wizard-king, when Korgar and Elutriel both decided it was time to win my affections once and for all. Elutriel had summoned an aura of resistance, an iridescent bubble free of weasels. He struggled forwards, heaving against the weight of their wasted furry bodies.

Elutriel had summoned an aura of resistance, an iridescent bubble free of weasels. He struggled forwards, heaving against the weight of their wasted furry bodies.

Click here to continue reading.

Baker & Dovey is a gestalt entity which currently inhabits two human fools separated by the Atlantic ocean and several thousand miles of dirt. When not authoring ludicrous parodies of childhood imaginings, the entity lives in the pauses between words, in the spaces between heartbeats, in the rats between the walls. UNESCO has not responded to e-mails asking whether Baker & Dovey is a global cultural asset or a sign of humanity’s inevitable return to the muck whence it came.

Aimee Kuzenski writes and narrates fiction. She went to school for both acting and electrical engineering and has trained in Filipino Martial Arts for the past eight years. She currently lives in Minneapolis, MN with a hairless cat named Beatrice.

You can find her online at and on Twitter @aimeekuzenski.

Listen to this week’s PodCastle!
Father Beast
Posts: 497

« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 05:37:38 AM »

I'm feeling a little cheated. Yeah, she did those other things, but becoming Coruscating Queen Of All The Realms is something for another story, apparently.

Otherwise, I had a big grin on my face throughout this story. The protagonist being a sort of big attitude, no nonsense, get things done despite the shortcomings of the companions kind of hero was something I found highly amusing.

Also, seemed to be competing for longest title with the ever classic, "How I Mounted Goldie (ETC)" (EP 169), except the protagonist of that story actually did all the things in the title.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 05:41:07 AM by Father Beast » Logged
Posts: 1296

« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 06:20:30 AM »

It doesn't get much more fun than this. Excellent story, excellent reading.

This gestalt entity is...well, I encourage it. Whatever the hell it may be.
Posts: 143

Next time, I'll just let sleeping dogs lie.

« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2017, 11:10:09 PM »

I really had a good time with this story.  I found myself continually thinking, This is totally something that could happen in my gaming group.  Obviously, this writer was catering to my people. :-)

Failure is an event, not a person.
Posts: 56

« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2017, 09:47:53 AM »

Definitely felt like I was in a tabletop game, so hilarious. Definitely left me wanting for her ascendency to queenhood and relationship with her true love.

"To understand a cat you must realize that he has his own gifts, his own viewpoint, even his own morality."
Posts: 5

« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2017, 06:14:01 PM »

Oh, this story was just pure fun. I loved it.

Didn't see that twist ending coming, either.
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