Hi, Guys. It's the author here.
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I just wanted to say that I appreciate all your thoughts so far; they're helping me figure out what worked and what didn't, and
why. It's absolutely invaluable to get feedback from you all. I'd love to hear more of what you thought, good and bad. The praise is great for my ego. The criticism is great for my writing.
600south said: "sometimes i wonder if short stories are the hardest form to master." Well, I think he's right. Or rather, the shortness of the form means you can only do certain things, only put so much in. In writing a genre piece, you have to put in plot, character, and your genre ideas all in a few thousand words. Complexity in one area ultimately forces you to be simpler in other areas.
I've tried to put some big genre ideas into the story -- chronovores, chronomancers, watchers, the idea that corruption can become visible to those with eyes to see. That, and several locations and relationships makes it very dense. I think I should have given some of it more space to breath, so to speak. More space for some of the stuff to unfold. Especially, as 600south says, the relationship of the brother and sister.
Chivalrybean wrote: "my guess is when a story reveals a lot of interesting bits of a world, then ends, it is because the writer had so many things to write about." Again, spot on. There's a lot more in my head about these characters and what they can do. I wonder whether there's a novels-worth in it. There's certainly another episode, or a longer short story, or a novella.
Can I also say a massive thanks to the pseudopod crew, especially Al Stuart for his amazing reading.
Steve