I think her voicing was fine; the issue I took is with the reader not taking pauses between section breaks. It's confusing. Otherwise, it was a stellar tale, full of barely-submerged menace, and I think it's a hit right out of the park. The implied always works better than the overt.
Okay, now I just can't help myself...
begin puns*
I appreciate Pseudopod having the balls to run this story. Some might say they've had a hard time pleasing everyone lately, but I think the vast majority have been satisfied. There's no doubt that the staff is in bed with quality authors when they select a tale like this.
After all the explicit dialog, I found the inclusion of the PG-rated "boobs" amusing as the word was applied to Jessica Rabbit. I would have also laughed at "funbags", "mitt warmers", etc., though perhaps given Pseudopod's horror slant, "tommy knockers" would have been more appropriate.
*end puns