Pseudopod 472: Self Portrait With Embellishments

[Bdoomed]

Pseudopod 472: Self Portrait With Embellishments

by Ryan Dull

“Self Portrait With Embellishments” is a PseudoPod Original.

RYAN DULL lives in Washington, DC. Find him on Twitter at @RyanSoDull.

Your narrator – Joe Calarco works with the Coeurage Theatre Company.


These are the things you need to make art: Discipline, Opportunity, Inspiration.

Discipline begets Craft, Output, and Dispassionate Self-Criticism. I’ve had Discipline since I was eight years old.

Opportunity means that you can afford the time and the food and the ink required to make art. I’ve had Opportunity since I was a pair of star-crossed gametes.

I have never had Inspiration.



Listen to this week's Pseudopod.

[Jandromeda]

  Holy. Freaking. Cow.

This episode really hit me, because as an artist and currently unpublished writer, I know exactly how the character felt. The stomach churning graphic moments of his own deconstruction were all the more painful when his frenzied writing was revealed to be almost useless. That's an artist's worst fear - or at least just mine - To bare your soul and find it not only lacking, but entirely uninteresting.

Thank you for sharing this story, and for the very personal outro. It does help to know that this is experience isn't a unique one.

[Uncanny Valley]

I absolutely loved everything about this story!  It actually made me uncomfortable, in the way only great horror can.  The narration was tremendous and there were a few points where I physically cringed.  Really, really terrific in every way!  One of the few I will probably listen to a second time.

[Bdoomed]

Story was superb, narration was out of this world -- really brought the character to life

deliciously cringy horror!

[South of No North]

I thought this was good, as well.
I was a little worried about the narration at the start but I remembered that his title and "read by"were in a normal tone of voice and came to realize the choices made were representative of the MC's manic desperation.
There was true saddness in the MC seeking pain and going to such extremes to achieve it when if he were able to take a step back he was already racked with pain.

A question, if he was without an ounce of inspiration, ever, why was he interested in creating "ART"? I presume he liked the idea of being an "artist" but if there had been an explanation of why this was I must have missed it.

I did like the reason he planned to give that his cut was so precise was that he had been mugged by a surgeon.

I'm glad the MC finally got at least one story but I believe his doctor's book about him will be more successful.

[Metalsludge]

A question, if he was without an ounce of inspiration, ever, why was he interested in creating "ART"? I presume he liked the idea of being an "artist" but if there had been an explanation of why this was I must have missed it.

I'm reminded of a conversation on a chan board forum I once saw, where someone explained that, while they did not know how to draw, had never written anything, and had never been the producer on a project, they were very interested in making comics and were looking for collaborators (presumably those who would do the actual creating.)

The Internet being the kindly thing that it is, one person responded just by saying "So, you don't know how to do anything and show no interest in learning, yet you have a vague idea that you want to be involved in a project... Where do you people come from?!?"

In fairness, I think most artists started out as fans at some point or another, before they had any idea of how to get started on their own stuff. But then again, the Internet is full of examples of people of limited capacity drawing stick figures or writing barely understandable gibberish that gets mocked by Net jokers, yet they keep creating cause they have that mysterious creative drive that doesn't seem to care who it infects. There is one stubborn game creator who makes what are considered some of the worst games ever made, and he has a small following of people who regard his stuff as so bad it's sort of good, in the usual way.

So, are such creations by such people "outsider art", or just trash that gets rightly mocked? It seems to depend on who you ask. But in any case, most artists work in obscurity much of their lives and can only hope to be remembered for what they sweated blood over...only to end up best remembered for a little story they wrote in 1995 and didn't even think was all that good. Oh well!

Obviously, there is much here for artists to relate to. As a visual artist, I can't really relate to the whole "art comes from pain" thing though, which just feels like an excuse to take things in the sort of predictable direction of self mutilation that this sort of story often heads straight for. The narration was excellent though, and some aspects of the artist's struggle surely hit close to home for many of us. I also liked the little hints of humor here and there, such as hoping to have made something clever by accident. Been there, done that!

[Maxilu]

I couldn't finish this–self-harm is a huge trigger for me.

That being said, Joe Calarco's narration was spot on. I might try to finish on a day where I'm more...stable.

[TrishEM]

Once again, it's one of the plausibly real stories that has me giving up partway through and fast forwarding to the resolution. I respect what Dull was doing here; it's powerful; I just couldn't take it.
This is NOT a request for Pseudopod to avoid this kind of story -- I love the diversity of stories here -- just a reaction I'm sharing for whatever it's worth.

[Unblinking]

I didn't like it.

One major thing for me is that self-cutting is a very touchy subject with me.  I had a close friend when I was in junior high who, after promising I wouldn't tell anyone, showed me several 4-inch long scabbed-over cuts she had made in her thighs.  
Eventually her boyfriend convinced her to get some help with the psychological causes of the cutting, but because of my personal closeness to the topic it is a difficult topic for me to read about.  I am not opposed to reading about self-cutting, it will have an impact on me no matter what certainly, but it's very rare to read a story that felt true to what I understand as the motivations of self-cutting.  And while I recognize that this story is not MEANT to be about the roots of self-cutting I'm familiar with, it's meant to be about some kind of mania driven from the desire to create without the skill to create, because I have seen so many stories misrepresenting the roots of self-cutting if I am going to read a story about self-cutting I would rather it be of the more common sort.

Another major thing is that I am constantly annoyed by the whole "tortured artist" trope, where some claim that someone who is not going through hell surely must not be able to create meaningful art.  Certainly, if you are suffering then art can act as therapy to understand and shape your relationship with your trauma, as well as a way to reach out and communicate with other people who have gone through the same thing to let them know they are not alone in this--that is a powerful part of art.  But the claim that one has to suffer to make art is complete and utter bullshit.

And it seemed like the story might also be saying that this is a false thing--especially since he never creates any art through his self-harm--so that's fine.  Except that, listening to the narrator go on and on about his self-harm in the name of art, and on and on and on, I found very irritating.  And his repeated surprise when he didn't make anything coherent--dude, you gotta accept the fact that slicing your face up has no relationship to writing something meaningful.

[matweller]

Good story. VERY well thought-out and executed narration.

Another major thing is that I am constantly annoyed by the whole "tortured artist" trope, where some claim that someone who is not going through hell surely must not be able to create meaningful art.  Certainly, if you are suffering then art can act as therapy to understand and shape your relationship with your trauma, as well as a way to reach out and communicate with other people who have gone through the same thing to let them know they are not alone in this--that is a powerful part of art.  But the claim that one has to suffer to make art is complete and utter bullshit.

I was less bothered by this as a product of the story than I was about Alisdare's commentary after. Art does come from misery, but it also comes from joy. I mean, I realize many of us are too progressive to acknowledge any positive results of religion in general and Christianity specifically, but how many classic songs and stories and pieces of art would we be robbed of if the artist had never been compelled to glorify his/her creator? How much art would not have been created if the artist weren't compelled to express chest-bursting love for someone else?

And it seemed like the story might also be saying that this is a false thing--especially since he never creates any art through his self-harm--so that's fine.  Except that, listening to the narrator go on and on about his self-harm in the name of art, and on and on and on, I found very irritating.  And his repeated surprise when he didn't make anything coherent--dude, you gotta accept the fact that slicing your face up has no relationship to writing something meaningful.

I think the story is saying it's a false thing. I think it's also about the addiction involved. He's chasing a tiger he never caught in the first place, and I think that's an interesting and true statement. Addiction is about an unattainable goal. The main character never even got the satisfaction. The first time he cut, he got the mania that he thought could lead to satisfaction in the future. The second time, he didn't even really get the mania, and the next time the mania itself had taken over as the pursuit, forgetting the supposed path to satisfaction altogether. I think this is profound to a level that, frankly, makes me worry for the author's personal history a bit.

[Unblinking]

I think the story is saying it's a false thing. I think it's also about the addiction involved. He's chasing a tiger he never caught in the first place, and I think that's an interesting and true statement. Addiction is about an unattainable goal. The main character never even got the satisfaction. The first time he cut, he got the mania that he thought could lead to satisfaction in the future. The second time, he didn't even really get the mania, and the next time the mania itself had taken over as the pursuit, forgetting the supposed path to satisfaction altogether. I think this is profound to a level that, frankly, makes me worry for the author's personal history a bit.

Yes, I think you're right that story wasn't supporting the pain-is-necessary-for-art thing.  His complete failure to produce any art, in particular, seems to imply that he is going about it all wrong (and he is!).  And so I can't fault for the story for being built on a false premise when it clearly meant to BE a false premise shown to be failing in its execution.

But... I just found it irritating to ride along with a character that was so convinced of this false premise.  I'm not saying that makes it a bad story.  I am saying that I found it personally very irritating. 

[C-dubs]

Holy nutballs.
This one. This one right here.