I know I'll regret this, but I'll throw in my weird perspective on God since I haven't heard it expressed.
God is superfluous.
If God is all-seeing/all-knowing/all-encompassing-of-the-whole-universe we can't even begin to comprehend it at this stage in our development, and taking the word of some bronze-age sheep-herders about it seems rather ludicrous especially given the multitude of religious flavors out there. On the off chance the omnipotent God exists, I sincerely doubt it'd care about what religion you are. Why punish someone because they were Buddist, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Wiccan, or Atheists? The universe abides.
There's the rub of it. The universe is a HUGE place. It seems highly improbable that the universe cares whether or not you touch yourself at night. Our size in comparison with the universe is many orders of magnitude smaller than a single atom in a single cell of your big toe. We are tiny! The omnipotent God that's deeply interested in YOU just doesn't really plausible once you have scaled Mount Olympus and seen the world is a lot bigger than you thought it was.
The other possibility is a limited God. One who isn't all-powerful and can focus on you. Is this a God you want to worship? He's a middle-manager. He lays down crazy department rules and expects you to follow them. If you don't, he'll fire you. The thing about this God is that... All the really smart people tend to either talk to the higher ups about having him fired or they go to some other company where they're more appreciated. Why on Earth would I stay with a God who threatens to break my kneecaps forever if I don't write ISO-9000 procedural documents every time I wash my hands? I wouldn't. I'd either join FluffyBunniesAndFreeHugs Inc, or maybe give my own start-up a go. (Hey, it worked for L Ron Hubbard!) Okay, sure maybe that God promises you'll go IPO any day or there will be a 4th quarter bonus and maybe there will be, but can't you probably do just as well elsewhere and feel better about yourself? Moreover, if you really are good at what you're doing and your manager is a jerk, any company worth working for should reward you, regardless of the rotten manager.
Religion is ritual. It's cheap self-help and if that gets you through the day, there's no real harm in it. It's like playing a video game to unwind, or listening to a science fiction podcast to get you through the day at work. Some of those parables are even good stories that really make you think. Just don't take it too seriously. God might not exist. In which case, you're wasting the one life you have. If God is a real friend, he won't care if you're a christian, buddist, or level 60 dwarf so long as you aren't a jerk. On the other hand, if God's a cliquish jerk; Do you really want to hang out with him?
In short: Don't be a jerk and don't worry about it. Either it will work out or you were screwed from the start.