Free Range Meat

[Thaurismunths]

I've never understood why hunters spend so much time in the woods waiting for the biggest buck/boar/bear/etc. The bigger the animal the older it is. The older the animal the tougher the meat.
That got me thinking; Deer are most tasty when young, but not too young, say 2-3 years old. Children at 2-3 years old are way too young and would be more like veal. So at what age are people best for eating, and when are they just stew meat?

[shwankie]

Well, as I said, I think you'd make a fine jerky even at your ripe old age.  If you're hoping for tender steaks, I think at this phase you're down to being stuck in a very small stall, fed beer, and massaged daily.

Huh.

[Russell Nash]

If the two of you want to continue along this line, could you just do it offline in bed??

[shwankie]

Nah. There's nowhere to go with it, really. I am pretty sure that Kobe is massaged by large, strong-handed men :-)

I suspect that humans are probably about perfect just around the onset of puberty. Slightly firmer meat, but still good marbling. On cattle, you get about 31% of live weight as yield, with about 1/3 or so of that being things like steaks. The rest is burger and stew meat. I am suspecting that on humans the yield would be higher, but the quality cuts a lower percentage. The older the person, the less flank steaks and backstraps would be tasty without lots of marinading.

Now, if I can just find that recipe...

[Chodon]

A co-worker of mine retired a couple of years ago.  He was about 100 years old (and looked older than that).  This guy loved to tell stories about how gears were invented and had evolved from pegs drilled into a log, to spyroid gears, to the involute spline over a 4 hour discourse (all while grabbing his crotch a lot - it was informative but wierd). 

The strangest experience I had with this guy was when he was telling me about how he worked in a slaughterhouse as a kid.  He talked about the cuts of meat, how to make bologna, and how to butcher a pig.  All pretty interesting.  Then his tone got very, very serious, looked me straight in the eye and he told me, "you know, humans taste a lot like pork."


There was a long, awkward silence and I decided I needed to get back to work.  I still don't know how he knows what humans taste like.  I think I would prefer not to know.

[Darwinist]

So at what age are people best for eating, and when are they just stew meat?

Unfortunately, two of the finest experts in the preparation of human flesh, Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer, are no longer with us.  I can't think of any other cannibals this question could be directed to.

[gelee]

A co-worker of mine retired a couple of years ago.  He was about 100 years old (and looked older than that).  This guy loved to tell stories about how gears were invented and had evolved from pegs drilled into a log, to spyroid gears, to the involute spline over a 4 hour discourse (all while grabbing his crotch a lot - it was informative but wierd). 

The strangest experience I had with this guy was when he was telling me about how he worked in a slaughterhouse as a kid.  He talked about the cuts of meat, how to make bologna, and how to butcher a pig.  All pretty interesting.  Then his tone got very, very serious, looked me straight in the eye and he told me, "you know, humans taste a lot like pork."


There was a long, awkward silence and I decided I needed to get back to work.  I still don't know how he knows what humans taste like.  I think I would prefer not to know.

Quite right.  Humans, like swine, carry their body fat outside the muscle, under the skin, so (sorry, shwankie) no marbeling.
If I were selecting a human for the packing plant, I would figure late puberty would be ideal: largest possible animal with minimal accumulation of persistant toxins in the body.  That would be mid teens for females, late teens for males.

[Russell Nash]

So at what age are people best for eating, and when are they just stew meat?

Unfortunately, two of the finest experts in the preparation of human flesh, Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer, are no longer with us.  I can't think of any other cannibals this question could be directed to.

There was some German who got sentenced to life last year.  He met a guy online and the guy volunteered to be eaten.  We could ask him.  The one in jail not the other guy.  I hear he's not a big talker anymore.

[Chodon]

I had a discussion with my wife about this about a month ago.  I claimed (and still claim) that in a "eat or die" situation I could eat a human easier than I could eat a dog.  I'm not sure why. 

Spoiler alert for "I am Legend": I found the scene where Will Smith had to strangle his dog the one of the most disturbing of all time.  Even moreso than the ear-removal scene in Resivour Dogs.  Again, I'm not sure why, but I think it's somehow related to the eating dogs vs. humans thing. 

I have to disagree with gelee though.  I think sumo wrestlers would be the most tasty.  Their exercises and diets ensure their fat is stored inside their muscles where it is quickly and easily accessible as energy.  They have very little visceral fat, meaning their organ meat would be tasty as well, and probably not greasy.  Late pubescent just sounds dry and stringy...like overcooked venison.

[Thaurismunths]

I had a discussion with my wife about this about a month ago.  I claimed (and still claim) that in a "eat or die" situation I could eat a human easier than I could eat a dog.  I'm not sure why. 

Spoiler alert for "I am Legend": I found the scene where Will Smith had to strangle his dog the one of the most disturbing of all time.  Even moreso than the ear-removal scene in Resivour Dogs.  Again, I'm not sure why, but I think it's somehow related to the eating dogs vs. humans thing.

Shwankie seconds you on this, though I'm not of the same mind.
For her it's a feeling of dependance from the animal. A pet has been raised to be dependent on humans and slaughtering one for your own survival would be a betrayal of their trust.
I think household pets make a great secondary food source: They're less diseased, well fed, and easy to catch.

[Darwinist]

Shwankie seconds you on this, though I'm not of the same mind.
For her it's a feeling of dependance from the animal. A pet has been raised to be dependent on humans and slaughtering one for your own survival would be a betrayal of their trust.
I think household pets make a great secondary food source: They're less diseased, well fed, and easy to catch.

That sounds like a great idea.  I've got a big yard, I think I'll start a colony of Leonbergers and Newfoundlands in the event that society collapses. 

[Tango Alpha Delta]

So at what age are people best for eating, and when are they just stew meat?

Unfortunately, two of the finest experts in the preparation of human flesh, Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer, are no longer with us.  I can't think of any other cannibals this question could be directed to.

I don't mean this as a rascist/cultural slight; simply an anecdotal observation:

My friend Paul visited China several times, once for a year as a teacher of English under one of those professional exchange programs.  Anyway, on his days off, he and his friends made an effort to visit as much of the country as possible, and really absorb the local culture.  He noticed in his travels that butcher shops would stock whatever local fauna came to hand, and he began sampling the wares as he went along; deer, swine, various rodents, reptiles, and such-like.  He glossed over the house pets groups, but he implied strongly that he had tried "every possible type of meat" in his roving.

When he told us this, someone said, "Yeah, except human," and he got a very far away look.  He told us of a hiking adventure in the mountains that had gone off-trail, and ended up at a very remote village near the treeline.  There was a sort of refuge/relief station there, not exactly a restaurant, and there were two groups in residence: plain Chinese villagers, and a mysterious sort of tribal group that lived further out in the boonies and occasionally visited to trade.  After the meal, one of his companions had asked what kind of meat had gone into the stew, and their hosts wouldn't tell them.  They just shrugged and said a word none of the Americans knew.

"I don't think I've eaten people," said Paul.

Me, I would have asked first.

[Chodon]

He glossed over the house pets groups, but he implied strongly that he had tried "every possible type of meat" in his roving.

I think I would like to do the same.  I've had some of the 'weird' stuff that can be found in the US in jerky form (Ostrich, Elk, Alligator, Antelope).  I'm a fan, but it's not different enough from beef to warrant the expense.  There are a lot of buffalo burgers around here (made from actual buffalo), but they just taste like beef.  I would like to try rattlesnake and the above listed jerked animals in steak or burger form.  Also, I hear monkey is tasty.  Maybe it would be a legal way to get close to eating human?
Venison is almost as common as beef around deer season, and it makes a better jerky than beef because of how lean the meat is.  About half the guys I work with go deer hunting and they usually bring in some of the venison jerky they make.  It's some of the best stuff out there and the price is right.  Venison also makes a fantastic chili.  There are lots of turkey, goose, and duck hunters around here too.  Wild turkey (the meat, not the whiskey) is tasty, but much drier and tougher than the turkey you buy in the store.  Plus wild turkeys are always covered in lice, and they are an ugly, ugly animal.  Goose and duck are greasy and have a liver taste to them, which I'm not a fan of. 
The best uncommon meat I have ever had was from a restaurant a few miles from my house.  They call it "wild game shepherd's pie".  It has ground venison, elk meatballs (which are the best thing EVER!) mixed with garlic mashed potatoes and wild rice.  Absolutely amazing.  If I could replace all the beef I eat with elk I would be a much happier person.  Elk is the best meat I have ever tried.
I still could never eat dog.  Ever.  I'd go looking for a nice, tasty human first.  A skinny one would probably make excellent jerky.

[Tango Alpha Delta]

Also, I hear monkey is tasty.  Maybe it would be a legal way to get close to eating human?

I couldn't find an example with an actual reference to monkey-eating, but you aren't alone in that line of reasoning.

The best uncommon meat I have ever had was from a restaurant a few miles from my house.  They call it "wild game shepherd's pie".  It has ground venison, elk meatballs (which are the best thing EVER!) mixed with garlic mashed potatoes and wild rice.  Absolutely amazing.  If I could replace all the beef I eat with elk I would be a much happier person.  Elk is the best meat I have ever tried.

We actually made friends with a really good chef in the UK (I know... good food reviews in England???  It can happen!) who had a supplier with an exotic animal permit.  He made us a zebra/ostrich/emu stew one time, and hinted that they might get in some lion.  I was okay eating game animals, but I think I'd feel really weird about eating a predator.

I still could never eat dog.  Ever.  I'd go looking for a nice, tasty human first.  A skinny one would probably make excellent jerky.

Most humans are already pretty jerky. 

[Chodon]

...and hinted that they might get in some lion...

That would be the coolest thing ever!  I would love to eat lion meat.  The only predator meat I had was alligator, but since it was jerked all I could taste was the marinade and smoke.

[Russell Nash]

...and hinted that they might get in some lion...

That would be the coolest thing ever!  I would love to eat lion meat.  The only predator meat I had was alligator, but since it was jerked all I could taste was the marinade and smoke.

Berlin has a few Churascaria.

Truly a meat eater’s delight - a Churascaria is a barbecue restaurant where waiters bring over choice meats on skewers and cut slices of your choice. Beef, pork, and chicken are served.  A buffet of vegetables, salads and even sushi rounds out your meal.

They bring around cuts of meat, no ground meat, no jerky.  The place we go to brings around about a dozen different cuts of beef, pork, and poultry plus kangaroo, ostrich, and alligator.  All of it was great except for the 'gator, which I think was frozen instead of fresh.  It was way too salty and really chewy and had the same feel as frozen shrimp.

I really like ostrich and kangaroo.  We had kangaroo for our new year's eve dinner.

[Chodon]

Berlin has a few Churascaria.

I would love to try that sometime.  My wife would never do it (she was raised on hamburgers, hot dogs, mac and cheese, steak, and potatoes).  She is not very adventurous when it comes to food.  She refuses to eat animals that she finds cute, because they are too cute to eat.  She won't eat ugly animals because they are too ugly.  I guess cows, pigs, and chickens fall somewhere in between for her.  Or maybe she just prefers to not know where he meals come from.  Frankly, that's a little strange to me.  I have helped gut/butcher a deer before.  It's a messy business and I was a vegetarian for a good month after but I think it was a good experience.  Everyone should know where their food comes from and be able to deal with it. 

[gelee]

I've tried kagogi in South Korea.  Not bad, but unremarkable.  Quite the delicacy there.
The idea of keeping a dog as a pet in Korea is a western import.  Most Korean's think of dogs the same way Yanks think of cows:  dinner waiting to happen.
By the way, it's a particular breed they eat, not random strays.  They are raised on farms (just like cows) and bred for slaughter.

[swdragoon]

The age is not as important as the activity cycle of said animal. In wild game this is usaly directly perportanal to age but in domestic(or human) this is not always the case. So a 22 year old marine would probly be tougher than a 30 year old programer. Also the most tender portion of meat is the portion that furthest from the work. In a quadra ped (cow) that is the loin primal under the spine. On a biped I would assume that it would be the pectorial meat or the shoulder.

[Tango Alpha Delta]

Berlin has a few Churascaria.

I would love to try that sometime.  My wife would never do it (she was raised on hamburgers, hot dogs, mac and cheese, steak, and potatoes).  She is not very adventurous when it comes to food.  She refuses to eat animals that she finds cute, because they are too cute to eat.  She won't eat ugly animals because they are too ugly.  I guess cows, pigs, and chickens fall somewhere in between for her.  Or maybe she just prefers to not know where he meals come from.  Frankly, that's a little strange to me.  I have helped gut/butcher a deer before.  It's a messy business and I was a vegetarian for a good month after but I think it was a good experience.  Everyone should know where their food comes from and be able to deal with it. 

Not picking on your wife, but.... someone who eats hot dogs really has no grounds for being squeamish about trying other things.  (Me, I enjoy scrapple and haggis, but not hot dogs.  The former may have been made with willies -- among other bits -- but at least they don't look like ´em.)

[Tango Alpha Delta]

I've tried kagogi in South Korea.  Not bad, but unremarkable.  Quite the delicacy there.
The idea of keeping a dog as a pet in Korea is a western import.  Most Korean's think of dogs the same way Yanks think of cows:  dinner waiting to happen.
By the way, it's a particular breed they eat, not random strays.  They are raised on farms (just like cows) and bred for slaughter.

An excerpt from my blog, telling a tale from my 11 months as a Korean student at DLI:

Mr. Minh was a very special teacher. He was ancient in a way that only a Korean man can be ancient. He had a steel wool mop of hair, and a tweed jacket with leather patches at the elbows. He stood a stooped 4' 11", at most, and he was the only teacher to level with us when we asked insensitive, "ugly American" sorts of questions. Like the day he was asked if Korean people really eat dogs; while the other teachers blustered and denied it as slander, Mr. Minh simply shut the door (after checking to make sure the hallway was free of eavesdroppers) and said to us, "Look; Yerrow dog, most tender..."

[wakela]

Horse Bacon Sushi


three words that you just can't put together, and yet there it is.


I've also had a sample of whale meat in Japan, but I can't say I remember what it tasted like. 

[Tango Alpha Delta]

Horse Bacon Sushi
...
three words that you just can't put together, and yet there it is.

Isn't that also an ice cream flavor in Japan?

[Chodon]

Not picking on your wife, but.... someone who eats hot dogs really has no grounds for being squeamish about trying other things.  (Me, I enjoy scrapple and haggis, but not hot dogs.  The former may have been made with willies -- among other bits -- but at least they don't look like ´em.)

Yeah, I point that out to her and she goes into denial.  She's happy, I'm happy I suppose...

[wakela]

Horse Bacon Sushi
...
three words that you just can't put together, and yet there it is.

Isn't that also an ice cream flavor in Japan?

Ice cream?!  That would be disgusting! 
Now horse bacon sushi beer ice cream, on the other hand...