Author Topic: Asylum (200 words/sketch) - hanged by the interior air...  (Read 2286 times)


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I do no desire praises, if I would gather any; I desire criticism.


With a slow pace You enter an unlit hallway. You pause for several minutes. Your footsteps still echo. On the left side there exists a painting. You start to move towards the painting with awe. You are hanged by Your interior air, continuously thoughts budge. A harsh breeze comes from within the painting. Water drips from the frame, drop by drop until it covers Your black ragged shoes. You perceive the tremendous disproportion between Your left and right arm; stretching they almost form a nod. Suddenly a ladder appears in the end of the hallway. You choose to ascend. Now - all collapses into a blaze.

A door is on the ground. You emerge from it.

You sit with a continuous glaze upon a monumental mechanical clock. You start to notice that eight ravens circle the clock. Each raven has a white wing and a red beak.

You, now, turn your sight towards the agglomerated street, though soundless. You notice the similarities between each citizen, their complex – ant like system – repetitive actions. Their appearance, twin-like; their skin pale and dry.

It was all a fall, a leap.

Ideas (very short summary):

lungs ripped by hollow eyes --
tempests hidden from their sight
icons mute with tears sanguine
(anguish addicted)
tears among celestial rapture
the red angel`s wings devoured by the grotesque eye, piercing through the terrific lights of the subterrain of human privacy.

Religious theme realized by applying certain elements (words). Especially in the first paragraph. ("unlit", "pause", "echo", "exists", "leap" (kierkegaard) etc). Texts covers social anxiety. The title was born from Max Nordau sentence: "lumea civilizata este o imensa sala de bolnavi" (translated: "civilized humanity is an immense mad house"). It is a simple sketch, and hope you enjoyed it at least a little. (english is not my first language).

---- note ----

The bell sounded in the mountain to collapse the golden calf. there no longer stood a lion but the body of humankind... A whimper - followed by tremendous convulsions of nature. Heated eyes penetrated the sky darkening the ground even more. Another fall, and a rise stood near him. Air covered his existence. Fair lands; purity was his signature - but fate changed the core.1

The rice spilled as he woke up.


  • Hipparch
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Reply #1 on: November 17, 2008, 01:06:42 PM
The fact that it's in second person present tense makes it sound like it comes from a computer game.

Science means that not all dreams can come true


  • Palmer
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Reply #2 on: November 17, 2008, 02:28:21 PM
Get ye flask.

Sorry I couldn't resist.  Since I've gotten a little more serious about writing I have tried to cut back on using "start to" or "appeared to" before verbs.  I was throwing them around like salt and pepper before I started seriously re-reading what I had written.