Yeah, it wasn't the narration.
Let me say a few good things first, because I remember my old creative writing classes, and hI ave always seen these boards as a process similar to the review circle in such a class (i.e. 'this story is teh sux' isn't helpful, useful, or welcome). There was clearly a lot of thought that went into the transformation, the imagery, the whole concept, really. There was, however, a total lack of narrative savvy.
This story had all the dramatic buildup of an episode of power rangers. By the time I was five minutes in I felt like I'd been hit by a busload of exposition, then had said bus back over me, and run over me again.
To use a literary/television term, this story was all 'pipe' and no plot. There's a possible story here, several stories in fact. But this came across as an overgrown dramatic point flowchart as opposed to an actual finished tale.
What was there for the audience to discover after the first ten minutes? We already knew the protagonist was possessed by the hive-mind of the bees, that he began to transform so fundamentally that he regressed into a different state of shared ancestry (complete and utter nonsense to anyone with the slightest understanding of phylogeny, btw) and is looking for a new queen, which seems to possibly be a girl in his office. Then, even though his very brain has been changed by the tranformation, and he's walking around wearing welding goggles (which no-one seems off-put by) he's snapped out of his fundamental change of brain chemistry by a picture of his old girlfriend.
Perhaps this story's meant to be a sort of fever-dream perspective. If so, here's a bit of advice: if you're going to portray insanity, you have to write very sanely; trying to depict insanity through the lens of insanity just produces a jumble.
There's a lot of potential here, but I feel like I'm seeing a very early rough draft.
