PC339: Help Summon The Most Holy Folded One!

[Ocicat]

PodCastle 339: Help Summon The Most Holy Folded One!

by Harry Connolly

With a Special Full Cast Reading!

Wilson Fowlie as the Narrator
Dave Thompson as Chris “Exalted” Clark
Graeme Dunlop as Elder Devout
M.K. Hobson as Arlo Glick
Anna Schwind as Graciela Chan
LaShawn Wanak as Shontay Jackson
Amanda Fitzwater as True AmericanTina Connolly as Lanie Armstorng
and Ann Leckie as Justin Side

Originally published in Help Fund My Robot Army! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects, edited by John Joseph Adams

You’ve Heard The Experts

How many styles of taco are there? Not just fish/pork/beef/chicken, but also puffed, breakfast, even Chocotacos (if you can stand the very thought). There are disagreements over whether they should be made with corn or flour tortillas, whether they should be hard or soft, and whether they should be steamed, grilled, or fried. You’ve seen the recipes that were handed down through the generations and recipes that were created on the fly by some of the greatest chefs in the world.

Well, that’s not good enough for us.

What is the ultimate taco? What is the most perfect guacamole recipe? Perhaps more important of all: flour or corn?

Now Learn From The Greatest “Master Chef” Of All

We have acquired a small plot of land in New Mexico and have planted a special crop of heritage maize: No GMO, no pesticides, no industrial fertilizer. The land is being farmed the way it was 200 years ago, when campesinos worked the land with donkeys and hand plows.

What’s more, the seeds have been planted in a special design found only in El Libro de los Muertos. When the crop matures this fall, I will conduct a secret, sacred ritual to summon the Most Holy of Holies: The Folded One.

The God of Tacos.

Rated PG!

Listen to this week’s PodCastle!

[SpareInch]

This made me laugh out loud in places. Just the very idea that someone would summon a Lovecraftian demon god just to ask for the perfect taco recipe!

HA

Reminds me of an Italian government minister who said the British couldn't make pizza because we kept putting pineapple on it.

And I really loved the idea of the Taco Schism between the worshippers of Tacothulhu and the worshippers of Tacthulhu. )Hope I spelled those names right.)

BTW, Dave, Speaking as a blind person, every story i 'read' is either in audio, or digital text run through a speech engine. So if I might borrow a turn of phrase, you guys should TOTALLY keep taking stories that don't look like they'll work in audio and making them work in audio. Lot's of people wouldn't get to enjoy them otherwise.

[Varda]

I read the "Help Fund My Robot Army" anthology back when it came out this summer, so when I saw this story hit my feed, my jaw dropped, and I thought, "WHAAAA? How in the name of Tacothulhu did they produce that in audio?!"

PodCastle, I'll never doubt you again.

Loved the full-cast reading, and I especially appreciated the editing on this one, as it really made the Kickstarter format work in audio without any confusion. Like SpareInch, I actually kept laughing out loud listening to this one. Mobile taco temple, indeed!

For the record, the Perfect Taco would have a flour tortilla, smoked shredded pork filling, and most importantly, *NO CILANTRO*. Contrary to popular blasphemy, cilantro is an abomination unto Tacothulu, and the Most Holy Folded One shall smite it from the Earth at Its coming. At least, that's what us true believers hope for.

[Unblinking]

This was silly and hilarious throughout.  It hit exactly the note it was trying fun. Amusing to see that it succeeded.  And I like that it includes all the parts of a kickstarter package, including the snarky comments and everything.  I especially liked the comment that asked in an actual non-snarky fashion the most practical question:  What if there can be no perfect taco recipe?  Because, really, there couldn't be.  If every place was making tacos the same way, then it's all homogenous and boring.

There were so many hilarious things that I couldn't possibly list them all.  But I especially liked when someone pointed out that the mobile temple was literally a taco food truck.  And also that the supposed basis for this whole religion was two guys working at Chipotle for a little over a year, it's not even like a real homemade recipe they are basing their beliefs on, it's a corporate fast food Americanized Mexican food, and they hadn't even worked there all that terribly long.

It wasn't the first audio adaptation of a Kickstarter story, so I knew it could work.  I also greatly enjoyed Keffy R.M. Kehrli's "HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!!" story that inspired the whole anthology that "Help Summon" was a part of:
http://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/fiction/help-fund-my-robot-army/

[danooli]

I've been in the midst of a re-read of the Wheel of Time series (listening for the first time) and have gotten WAY behind on podcasts, but this one I had to listen to...I go nuts for tacos and I have had a kickstarter addiction for awhile. (I totally would have backed this!)

This had me in stitches, and man, I have an immense craving for tacos now! Another win, PodCastle, and another unexpected format that worked wonders!

[Procyon]

Loved it. Great readings all around, great premise, great references to my home state. For me, the funniest parts were the interactions between the potential backers and the people running the fundraiser. It's one thing to parody the strange language Kickstarter forces people to translate their ideas into (backer levels, stretch goals, and so on), but what is more hilarious are the comments from people, with the mien of a Federal Trade Commission tribunal, reading a list of minutiae that must be utterly satisfied before they let loose their five-dollar-bill poised magnanimously above the tip jar -- and the huffy yet obsequious responses from people who aren't totally sure yet if their project will succeed. This story did a good job capturing that.

[Devoted135]

This was too funny!

My favorite part was when the one backer put it together that this was basically going to lead to a taco truck that would come straight to her door if she wanted. I got the impression that her advertizing efforts were pretty much solely responsible for the project getting funded!

[Fenrix]

I don't like pico de gallo. I'm reluctant to fund at a level that rewards me with a recipe I will never use. Could I get something else instead? Like some coupons for free tacos?

[Fenrix]

For the record, the Perfect Taco would have two corn tortillas with just a bit of char from the grill on the outside. It would include smoked shredded pork filling with a little fresh onion and jalapeno. And most importantly, *CILANTRO*. Contrary to popular blasphemy, Tacthulu allows his most loyal to fully appreciate cilantro. The Most Holy Folded One removed the ability of the hopelessly damned to taste this glorious herb and instead replaced their experience with a taste of soap. Cilantro lets us know that we are to be the most cherished and first consumed of the ones who will be enveloped in his tortilla embrace.

[albionmoonlight]

As long as the condiment bar is well-stocked, I will be happy.

This morning, I was walking to my car, and when I realized that I would get to finish this story on my commute, I actually got a big smile on my face.  That's one way of knowing that you made a great story.

And, while I didn't have the ability to go out for tacos last night, I did make myself some spicy black beans and rice.  Not a worth offering to the Taco gods, I know.  But I hope that my meager offering can at least have me sent to purgatory instead of eternal McNugget land.

[Varda]

For the record, the Perfect Taco would have two corn tortillas with just a bit of char from the grill on the outside. It would include smoked shredded pork filling with a little fresh onion and jalapeno. And most importantly, *CILANTRO*. Contrary to popular blasphemy, Tacthulu allows his most loyal to fully appreciate cilantro. The Most Holy Folded One removed the ability of the hopelessly damned to taste this glorious herb and instead replaced their experience with a taste of soap. Cilantro lets us know that we are to be the most cherished and first consumed of the ones who will be enveloped in his tortilla embrace.

HA! I'm not surprised to hear such brazen heresy from the likes of Tacthulhu cultists like yourself. But I rest easy, knowing that the vast folds of Tacothulhu's arms are able to separate the whole wheat from the refined, and that He has allowed the unbelievers to sup upon the Cilantro of Damnation, which tastes sweet in their mouths, but shall sour the tacos in their stomachs. Your souls shall stoke the coals of Hell so that the true believers can attain a proper chargrill succulence upon the Grate of Heaven above.

[Fenrix]

HA! I'm not surprised to hear such brazen heresy from the likes of Tacthulhu cultists like yourself. But I rest easy, knowing that the vast folds of Tacothulhu's arms are able to separate the whole wheat from the refined, and that He has allowed the unbelievers to sup upon the Cilantro of Damnation, which tastes sweet in their mouths, but shall sour the tacos in their stomachs. Your souls shall stoke the coals of Hell so that the true believers can attain a proper chargrill succulence upon the Grate of Heaven above.

Your voice mounts and falls as if in some unholy paean. Imperious, exigent, you seem to implore the consummation of forbidden blasphemy. Like thronging phantoms, writhing and swirling with malignant life, the steam shall rise from the grilling of the corn tortillas. From this gloom we will all return as the provender of Tacthulu. The most worthy will be taken within his masa folds and integrated into the greater whole before the inexorable destruction on our plane of existence.

[Varda]

Your voice mounts and falls as if in some unholy paean. Imperious, exigent, you seem to implore the consummation of forbidden blasphemy. Like thronging phantoms, writhing and swirling with malignant life, the steam shall rise from the grilling of the corn tortillas. From this gloom we will all return as the provender of Tacthulu. The most worthy will be taken within his masa folds and integrated into the greater whole before the inexorable destruction on our plane of existence.

Yeah, yeah, I read it all in the tract you left on my door along with the coupon booklet. We're not changing mobile temples, though. Nice try.

[Fenrix]

Your voice mounts and falls as if in some unholy paean. Imperious, exigent, you seem to implore the consummation of forbidden blasphemy. Like thronging phantoms, writhing and swirling with malignant life, the steam shall rise from the grilling of the corn tortillas. From this gloom we will all return as the provender of Tacthulu. The most worthy will be taken within his masa folds and integrated into the greater whole before the inexorable destruction on our plane of existence.

Yeah, yeah, I read it all in the tract you left on my door along with the coupon booklet. We're not changing mobile temples, though. Nice try.

Whatever. Your loss. Can we at least agree that pumpkin beer is awesome, and goes well with tacos?

[Varda]

Whatever. Your loss. Can we at least agree that pumpkin beer is awesome, and goes well with tacos?

Agree on it? I think lifting a glass in person over a plate of tacos prepared to each of our beliefs would be just the thing!

In foodie religion, Beer > Tacos

[Fenrix]

Whatever. Your loss. Can we at least agree that pumpkin beer is awesome, and goes well with tacos?

Agree on it? I think lifting a glass in person over a plate of tacos prepared to each of our beliefs would be just the thing!

In foodie religion, Beer > Tacos

Word. Who could possibly hate on pumpkin beer?

[Varda]

Word. Who could possibly hate on pumpkin beer?

Only some kind of half-man, half-wolf monster, that's who! 

[InfiniteMonkey]

[have a job where I'm on the phone most of the day, can't listen to podcasts, and the commute's too short. So, catching up]

The first part did little for me, as I'm not a kickstarter junkie, but where it got going was when the comments started. Very amusing, especially with the various readers. One of the few times reading the comments didn't want me to slash my wrists and mourn the human race.

And on the subject of tacos, I'm an pantheist heretic. Corn, flour (ok, corn for duro, flour for suave), whatever - even cilantro or no.

[Unblinking]

I don't believe in tacos.  I follow the polytheistic religion of BBQ where all variants are welcome, except the Arby-Q sauce which is a blasphemous impostor.