PC328: The Old Woman With No Teeth

[Talia]

PodCastle 328: The Old Woman With No Teeth

by Patricia Russo

Read by Wilson Fowlie and M.K. Hobson (PodCastle’s Sons of Buttery Thunder)

Originally published in Clockwork Phoenix 4, Edited by Mike Allen.

When The Old Woman With No Teeth decided to have children, she didn’t go about it in the usual way.  Well, really, what else could you expect from The Old Woman With No Teeth?   If she ever did anything the usual way, even boiling a pot of water, the world might start spinning widdershins on its axis.
 
“Now you just stop that.  I can read perfectly well, you impudent ragger.  Set down what I told you, and don’t believe all the stories you’ve heard about me.”
 
There are many stories about The Old Woman With No Teeth, but people should not believe all of them.  The most popular one is that she wore away her teeth by chewing a tunnel to the six-sided world.  Nobody knows if this story is true.  Many people have looked for the passageway she is supposed to have gnawed through reality, but none of the venturers have managed to pinpoint it.
 
“None of the ones who’ve come back, you mean.  Silly bastards.”

Rated PG.

Listen to this week’s PodCastle!

[InfiniteMonkey]

Without a doubt my favorite part was listening to the hack scribbler re-write at the demand of the Old Woman with No Teeth.....

[Father Beast]

All I can say is that the she seems to speak pretty clearly for an old woman with no teeth.

"The Old Woman With No Teeth (tm) was able to speak clearly because of a potion she brewed every fortnight, which used the blood of grandparents, but a small enough amount that with her large contingent of old people living with her, she could draw a small enough amount from each that it was not noticed."

Will you quit making things up? I am able to enunciate clearly with no teeth because of long practice.

[danooli]

I had the absolute pleasure of listening to this yestrday during my lunchtime walk.  I work in a very large "industrial park" and I have gotten into the habit of taking long walks while listening either to podcasts or audiobooks, and this was the first time that I was actually a bit self-conscious as the cars drove by. I was literally laughing out loud, wide grin full of teeth and all.  I had to look a bit unstable.

I like the memoir style for stories, and this for me was a new twist on it. The Old Woman With No Teeth is a fantastic character, I love cranky old women who aren't quite as cranky as they appear to be. Someone once referred to me as "The Diet Coke of Evil" when I was trying to be diabolical, and TOWWNT reminded me of that. I am going to imagine she and the Scribbler having many years of companionable banter ahead of them, perhaps even together caring for the "children".

May we please have more Sons of Buttery Thunder? Please?

And, Dave, I really appreciated the amendment to the ending quote   Thank you!

[Moritz]

I thought it was a delightful story, though I really didn't like the interaction between the narrator and the old woman with no teeth. It was just not my kind of humour.

[ElectricPaladin]

I liked this one. It was short, sweet, and delightfully bizarre.

I wonder if the Old Woman With No Teeth is related to the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home?

[Chuk]

The readers were very well matched to the story -- definitely one case where the audio version is (probably) better than the plain text.

[Unblinking]

I was having a bad day when I listened to this one, dealing with all kinds of nonsense from my natural gas company that resulted in me taking half a day off of work to wait for a repairman that never ended up coming.  Then I listened to this story, and it had me laughing.  Fun story, made all the more fun by the awesome pairing--this audio is better than the text alone would be because of that.  I loved how the old woman with no teeth kept correcting the writer, especially when he started taking poetic license writing what she was supposed to have been imagining etc.  Great humor, that.  I tend to like cranky old women characters who aren't so cranky as they put on--Granny Weatherwax is one of my all time favorite characters.

Good show!

[Varda]

I straight-up loved this story both because of the reading (all my wildest audio-fantasies have come true at last in one glorious butter-drenched Hobson/Fowlie reading!) and because the story itself reminded me of a friend of mine. Who is neither old nor a woman. Also, he has all his teeth. But I loved this story as a hilarious character-sketch of the sort of person who projects a certain prickliness but is basically all kittens and old-people-children inside. Plus, the way the Scribbler gradually emerges as his own character who also thinks the Old Woman is a complete badass was delightful.

I'm also with Danooli on the compulsive cackling. I was out on a run while listening to this one, and by the end was so out of breath from random uncontrollable laughter that I had to stop and walk a few minutes.

[Devoted135]

This was so great! The story was very cute, and I too loved all of the on-the-fly editing going on as the Old Woman corrected the Scribbler. But, hearing this read by our own "Sons of Buttery Thunder" elevated it to one of my favorite episodes ever for sheer enjoyment. Such a win!

[Fenrix]

In my head, this was animated by Studio Ghibli.

[Cynandre]

In my head, this was animated by Studio Ghibli.

Yep, in my head as well. 

[mkhobson]

Wilson and I had a lot of fun reading this together. What I'd really love to do with PodCastle someday is a full-on old-time radio play, like the old "Shadow", with sound effects, etc.  I know we've done full-cast recordings, but I'm talking a realtime play where the actors can actually work off each others' energy instead of having their lines edited together later. But unless you could get everyone together live in a studio (which would be the biggest blast *ever*) you'd have to figure out how to do it virtually -- and Wilson and I struggled to do that with just the two of us.

In any case, I would pay cash money to hear Wilson read the line "who know what evil lurks in the hearts of men ... The Shadow knows (bwahahahaha)!"

[InfiniteMonkey]

What I'd really love to do with PodCastle someday is a full-on old-time radio play, like the old "Shadow", with sound effects, etc. 
<snip>
In any case, I would pay cash money to hear Wilson read the line "who know what evil lurks in the hearts of men ... The Shadow knows (bwahahahaha)!"

I second that emotion…..

[Wilson Fowlie]

Hmm, should I start a Kickstarter? 

[mkhobson]

Wilson, if we could find a script that we liked, maybe we could identify potential cast members, and a con where we could all meet up and do the recording at a local studio. The upcoming Worldcon in Spokane might be a good candidate ...

[Unblinking]

Wilson, if we could find a script that we liked, maybe we could identify potential cast members, and a con where we could all meet up and do the recording at a local studio. The upcoming Worldcon in Spokane might be a good candidate ...

That would be super cool!  And even if it didn't fit in at Podcastle on the main feed, could always publish it some other way, or have it be an incentive episode or something. 

[DKT]

Wilson, if we could find a script that we liked, maybe we could identify potential cast members, and a con where we could all meet up and do the recording at a local studio. The upcoming Worldcon in Spokane might be a good candidate ...

Hobson and Wilson - I like the way you both think

[Wilson Fowlie]

That sounds like fun! I know a couple of people who may have such a script, so I'll make some inquiries.

I have to admit, though, when I mentioned the Kickstarter, I was (jokingly!) riffing on this part of what you said (and which I assumed InfiniteMonkey agreed with):

In any case, I would pay cash money to hear Wilson read the line "who know what evil lurks in the hearts of men ... The Shadow knows (bwahahahaha)!"

 

[danooli]

I am going to pout until this happens.

[DKT]

I am going to pout until this happens.

This week's PodCastle is sponsored by Danooli's Pouts!

 

[TrishEM]

I'd say this episode was adorable except that The Old Woman With No Teeth would probably smite me.

Wow, that town, though, ghettoizing all its older denizens to avoid making the tourists uncomfortable! Sort of like a cross between Logan's Run and, well, how a number of towns treat their homeless. I'd leave with TOWWNT too.

[SpareInch]

I'd say this episode was adorable except that The Old Woman With No Teeth would probably smite me.

Wow, that town, though, ghettoizing all its older denizens to avoid making the tourists uncomfortable! Sort of like a cross between Logan's Run and, well, how a number of towns treat their homeless. I'd leave with TOWWNT too.

Have you never wondered what Sheltered Housing is all about?

Ostensibly, it's to allow the elderly to live independent lives in their own homes, but with help on hand at the touch of a button if they need it.

But...

It also has the effect of making all the old people live in the same neighbourhood, shop at the same supermarket, and use the same street to walk between the two.

So maybe the new bylaw in the story wasn't so far from the truth after all.

[danooli]

I am going to pout until this happens.

This week's PodCastle is sponsored by Danooli's Pouts!

 

Ok, I lied. That broke the pout and produced an enormous grin.

[Unblinking]

I am going to pout until this happens.

This week's PodCastle is sponsored by Danooli's Pouts!

 

Ok, I lied. That broke the pout and produced an enormous grin.

Wait, does that mean that we now won't get this week's episode?  Danooli, you've gotta pout again!