Top 5 most awesome weapons

[BrandtPileggi]

So, by awesome, I'm not talking about the most powerful, the deadliest or the biggest weapons. I'm talking about the weapons that when a hot babe walks by, you sayrather loudly so she can hear, "Uh, yeah. So I was polishing my _____ This morning!"

Here's my top 5 (so far...)

5. Machete - If nothing else, it sounds cool. But it does stand out as a compact, light weapon, especially adept for Zombie, head chop off marathons.
4. Tazer - Until we get consumer lazer guns, the tazer is at the top of the -azer weapons. And it should be. By far, the asshole king of all weapons because it's not enough to shoot someone with two darts... you have to keep pulling that trigger to send 100K volts coursing through their prone body 5 minutes after their cries of, "Oh God! I'm so sorry, please, my medication" has died down into a low gurgle
3. Bazooka - Again, cool name. AND!... Shoot a fucking missile from your shoulder. Are you serious? GTFOH.
2. Speargun - Now, I KNOW people are going to say, "Brandt. There is NO possible way a Speargun PWNS a bazooka. You're an anal baby!" To that I say, "NO!" Can you shoot missiles at sharks? Huh? Huh smart guy? No! No you can't. Spearguns are the only weapon in the entire world that can shoot dangerous burglers and sharks. (hamburglers and land sharks included). Until there's a magical weapon that can shoot things in the water land and air, the speargun is the king of the multi-element shooters.
1. Numchucks - Any idiot can tame the wild bazooka or weild the mighty machete. Someone of limited intelligence and motor skill can master the speargun HOWEVER!... Only one weapon in the world requires you to be, A. A ninja, and B. A stud. The Numchuck. Case in point. Tom Sellek is a stud but cannot handle the numchucks to save his life. Billy Blanks is a ninja alas the numchuck skill eludes him. Only Bruce Lee, the studliest ninja to ever walk a maze of mirrors, has ever REALLY mastered nuumchucks. THAT mutual exclusivity renders the numchuck into instant panty-offer, thus making it the most awesome weapon of all time.

What are yours?

[Thaurismunths]

Not bad Brandt.

5: Chainsaw - Roaring, gas powered, blood flinging nemesis of zombies, campers, and rural texans alike.

4: Flame Thrower - To quote the great George Carlin,"Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way to far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them."

3: Battle Axe - Need I say more?

2: Smith and Wesson Model 29 .44 Magnum - Good enough for Diry Harry, good enough for me.

1: Plastic Explosives - When it absolutely, positively has to be blown in to tiny little pieces NOW.

[Listener]

Do they have to be real weapons?  Or can they be stuff from SF?  Because if so, I'd say the lightsaber is pretty damn high on the list.

Although "polishing my lightsaber" sounds more than just vaguely dirty.

I personally prefer bladed weapons.  Guns scare me.

[Mr. Tweedy]

Unless we're limited to real weapons, all of the coolest weapons would doubtless have to be pulled from video games.

In no particular order:

The Lancer from "Gears of War" - What if the zombies team up with Nazi commandos?  An assault rifle with a chain-saw built in!  This covers all the angles.

The Farsight from "Perfect Dark" - Your enemy is hiding in a bunker a mile away under 50 feet of rock and 5 feet of steel, wearing full-body kevlar.  So what?  Pop!  One shot kill.

The Cerebral Bore from "Turok 2" - Your enemies might try to run, but there's no escaping this nasty little robot.  Once it's launched, it take a leisurely, looping course over to your enemy's head, where it clamps down and sucks his skull dry.  The gruesome sight will often send surviving foes fleeing in gibbering terror.

The Hammer of Dawn also from "Gears of War" - A shaft of radiant death blasts down from the sky like the fire of God.  Satisfies your inner megalomaniac.

Plasma Grenades from "Halo" - Not the most powerful weapon, but there's nothing more satisfying that sticking one to you enemy's face and watching him run around blind for the three seconds before it explodes.

As far as real weapons, I figure bigger is better.  "So I was polishing my MOAB bomb this morning..."

I'd also like to have a magnetic rail gun, a satelite-mounted laser cannon (come on, you know Reagan put some up there).  Oh, and a katana, because katanas are still the coolest sharp thing ever made, and, unless animé has led me wrong, a katana can defeat any other weapon.

[ClintMemo]

Unless we're limited to real weapons, all of the coolest weapons would doubtless have to be pulled from video games.

How could you overlook the BFG9000 from Doom?

Also, the "Potion" from the original Gauntlet coin-op game  (assuming you're the wizard).  It's way cheezier but it has to be the most effective weapon ever - "kills all badguys in view"

[BrandtPileggi]

Yeah if you're going to include video game weapons then I'd have to say the BFG would have to rank WAY high.

I guess it doesn't matter where you pull from, Here are the rules:

1. State it before your list and stay consistent. Even if it begins with, "The top 5 greatest Wonder woman weapons. 5-Lasso of truth 4-Push Up Bra Anti-grav thrower 3-Panties of Justice... etc..."

2. Explain your choice and link it.

3. Disregard the rules if you so please.

[Mr. Tweedy]

The BFG is powerful, but it isn't unique.  It just tosses a big green ball, and then everything falls over dead.  No style.  In doom, I'd say the chain-gun is the coolest weapon.  The gouts of fire and dramatic flashes are much more pleasing the single sudden KABLAM offered by the BFG.  Plus, you've got to be sparing with the BFG, since amo for it is rare.  The chain-fun you can open up with any time you feel the urge.

[DKT]

Do they have to be real weapons?  Or can they be stuff from SF?  Because if so, I'd say the lightsaber is pretty damn high on the list.

Although "polishing my lightsaber" sounds more than just vaguely dirty.

I personally prefer bladed weapons.  Guns scare me.

Crap, Listener beat me to it.  A lightsaber would definitely be #1 for me.  Any variety, really doesn't matter.  I just want one.

#2 Blaster.  What the hell...I've always wanted to be Han Solo.

#3 Wolverine's adamantium claws/skeleton.  Although, I'd also really want the mutant healing factor with this, because it just wouldn't work so well, otherwise.  But I can't think of a weapon that's so...personal.

#4 Green Lantern Corp ring.  Because then I could do anything.  Unless anything had yellow in it.

#5 Whatever the throwing star with knives thing from Krull was called.  As a kid, I just thought that thing was too cool for words. 

Honorable mention: A whip, like Indiana Jones (although polishing my whip doesn't quite work). Or a magic wand, especially if lightsabers were in short supply.

[BrandtPileggi]

#3 Wolverine's adamantium claws/skeleton.  Although, I'd also really want the mutant healing factor with this, because it just wouldn't work so well, otherwise.  But I can't think of a weapon that's so...personal.

Man. I was SO close to putting that in mine too. There is an actual weapon like that, that straps on. I can't remember the name, but as long as it has an awesome name like, "Labotimizer" or something, It'll have to bump machete on mine.

The problem with the Wolverine claws (under skin), as you elluded to, is that without regenrative powers, Your super awesome weapon would just lead to a very sickly, skinny guy in bed for weeks as he fights off infection after infection. I suppose it could be a good trade-off if it were only needed in situations that came up once in a blue moon (eg. Said hawt girl cannot get into locker, thus leaving you room to woo her with said claws... or scare the living shit out of her)

[Swamp]

#5 Whatever the throwing star with knives thing from Krull was called.  As a kid, I just thought that thing was too cool for words. 

Yes.  Krull was very cool.  The star/knife thing was wicked!

[Mr. Tweedy]

Glaive.  (Thank you Wikipedia.)

[clichekiller]

Real world...

5) Barret M107 .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle... .50 cal to the head.
4) Thompson Machine Gun... .45 cal fully automatic weapon great for spraying death and dismemberment amidst Mafiosi and zombies alike.
3) Baseball bat...ubiquitous, readily available and perfect for bashing in the skulls of those who so desperately deserve it, you know like those people who talk on their cell phone in movie theaters.
2) Katana...sure as a bladed weapon it's highly overrated but nothing is more efficient at lopping off heads.
1) Fully Automatic Combat Shotgun...all the bang none of the wait.

Sci-Fi

5) BFG-9000
4) Thermal Detonator...enough explosive power to scare a Hutt
3) DL-44 Blaster...because Han shot first!
2) Armor and weapon system from Star Ship Troopers the book
1) Death Star...why invade the planet, why bombard it for hours or even minutes.  Obliterate it!

[slic]

Not a lot of gamer experience, so mine are pretty much comic-based

Fantasy Weapons

1. Green Lantern Corp ring (and the yellow limitation is officially gone, btw - long weird story)

2. Iron Man's armour

3. Light saber (it's just a shiny katana) with some kind of shiny matching armour

4. And since, technically, I think of the Death Star as a vehicle, I'll add the plane from Battle of the Planets

5. Captain America's shield - offensive and defensive and very snazzy!

I wanted to add a Utility belt - not techinically a weapon, but it would have some seriously cool things in it - but I doubt that would impress the babes

[BrandtPileggi]

Wow. Deathstar was like THISclose to winning. I was about to pull the plug on the whole thread, alas I have to side with slic on this one. I guess it's how you define it, but I think if it propels itself and... I want to say transports people, but I can see unmanned aircraft serving as a vehicle in that it's a platform for weapons. So I'd say if it A. propells itself and B. is a platform for people, cargo or weapons; it's a vehicle.

The Big Ass Dish & Antenna Shooting Structure (B.A.D. A.S.S.) would have to rank very high on it's respective list.

I was thinking of more hand held-ish type things for my list.

I'm talking about the weapons that when a hot babe walks by, you sayrather loudly so she can hear, "Uh, yeah. So I was polishing my _____ This morning!"

It would be difficult to lure babes with, "Uh, yeah. So I was polishing my Big Ass Dish & Antenna Shooting Structure this morning!" She would just look past me as the dork I am. Laughing and pointing fingers with her friends. Well I'll show her. Wait until I put a hole in her ass with my Laser dish. Now who's a dork bitch! Brandt FTW!

[ClintMemo]

In no particular order...

5) Thor's Hammer - throws big honkin' lightning bolts, bashes skulls, teleports me around and only I can pick it up.
4) Light Saber - cuts through anything (except another light saber, curiously enough). Just don't drop it on the floor (couldn't resist a Robot Chicken reference)
3) BFG9000 from Doom - everyone else dies. I win.
2) ASMD from Unreal - Regular fire shoots at the speed of light (not that crappy easy-to-dodge blaster ammo speed). Alternate fire shoots balls of light that explode and push things away.  Shoot a light ball and then zap it with the regular beam and it makes a big freakin' explosion.
1) Ash's chainsaw hand.  "Who's laughin' now?!"

[slic]

Thor's Hammer (Mjolnir, btw - and yes, I'm comic-geeky enough that I didn't have to look up the spelling) - now that is serious Bad Ass!  And naturally you'd have the pipes (is that still a good term of reference for upper arms?) to carry it.

Weather control, as well, and it just looks Cool.  There is that pesky, Must-Be-Noble-Enough-To-Lift-It enchantment, but we'll assume we all are!

[Thaurismunths]

Thor's Hammer (Mjolnir, btw - and yes, I'm comic-geeky enough that I didn't have to look up the spelling) - now that is serious Bad Ass!  And naturally you'd have the pipes (is that still a good term of reference for upper arms?) to carry it.

All this talk of "Thor's Hammer" got me thinking.
Sorry to thread jack you Brandt, but I'm taking this up a notch to "weapon systems"

5. Active Denial Systems - Using microwaves to heat the skin, with out secondary effects.

4. AA-12 & FRAG-12 - The AA-12 is a Fully-automatic 12 ga. shotgun with 20 clip, The FRAG-12 is a 12 ga. high-explosive round. Two great tastes that go great together.

3. Phalanx CIWS - Used for naval missile defense on all class of surface ships, it consists of a 20mm M61 Vulcan Gatling-gun and radar system. Capable of firing 4,500 to 7,000 rounds per minute it "automatically searches, detects, tracks, engages and confirms kills using its computer-controlled radar system."

2. Metal Storm - Using stacked projectiles and an electronic firing system it's capable of firing 1,000,000,000 rounds in 1 minute, with no moving parts.

1. Project Thor - Also known as "Rods From God" or Kinetic Bombardment. It's kind of like the myth about a penny dropped from the Empire State Building will split the skull of someone on the ground. Only the penny is a tungsten rod the size of a telephone pole, and the Empire State Building is in outer space.

[Bdoomed]

Ooh i love this thread!
lets see...

Real World
5. Taser- Scare the crap out of your friends! Watch both friends and enemies squirm helplessly on the ground for AS LONG AS YOU WANT!  Make really funny drunken home videos!  Lose your ability to procreate/taste/see/smell!
4. Throwing Ninja Stars- hold 6 of em between your fingers, arms crossed in front of your chest, fling outwards.  That would look so badass.  Throwing stars or kunai... either one
3. Sawed off shotgun- need i say more?
2. Broadsword- You know it would be SO badass to walk down the street with a big ass sword strapped to your back or slung over your shoulder.  something bigger than you and heavier too.  put on some 300 rock and go in slow motion and you could get any girl on the planet
1. Katana/Dual Katanas- as Tweedy said, Katanas can defeat any other weapon! Doubt me? Watch Rurouni Kenshin. All you need is a Katana and a mastery of Bato Jutsu and you can dodge bullets!

Fantasy
5. Halo Battle Rifle- not the most powerful weapon, but comeon, anyone sees you holding Mastercheif's weapon and they'll cooperate.
4. Phaser- ITS GOT SETTINGS! You can use it like a taser for some semi-harmless fun, or obliterate someone!
3. Nuclear gun from the Foundation novels- instant desintigration anyone?  and not only on people, think of how it would help our trash situation?
2. Athena's Blades lv. 5 from God of War II- extending swords that also give you kick ass, semi-slow motion specials, other really fast specials, and glow red.
1. I'm gonna go with the lightsaber here.  I dont think i need to explain myself

Honorable mentions- they almost made it
Plasma grenades from Halo- same reasons as Tweedy's
Gears of War rifle/chainsaw- bam bam bam BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Whatever the thing was called from the Matrix that blinded Neo in the 3rd one.  With all the electricity.
Napalm- *laughs maniacally*
Magic Wand- very cool, but wimpy looking...
The hundreds of metal balls from Aeon Flux, the stuff that took out the wall
Could Pokemon count? anyone would love to have one, personally i'd go for a Mew.
Sol Blade from Golden Sun 2- Megiddo!!!!
Tail from Alien... oh yea.
a Mage Staff
i have a lot of honorable mentions dont i?

[FNH]

My Current or In-Development list

TRAD - http://www2.taser.com/products/military/Pages/TRAD.aspx

Excallibur - http://www.raytheon.com/products/excalibur/

Lasers - http://www.defensetech.org/archives/003156.html

Knife time - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kukri

And finally -  on the longest on the longest url...
http://www.hamiltonspectator.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=hamilton/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1168470616997&call_pageid=1020420665036

[BrandtPileggi]

Sorry to thread jack you Brandt, but I'm taking this up a notch to "weapon systems"

Jack away. That's the point. I was trying to open the door for nonsensical weapons as well (ie. Wonder Woman's Panties of Justice etc...) So good job everyone!

[Bdoomed]

FNH that last link you posted was AWESOME!  I gasped when i saw it.
heh combine that suit with the Halo battle rifle and you ARE Masterchief!

[FNH]

FNH that last link you posted was AWESOME!  I gasped when i saw it.
heh combine that suit with the Halo battle rifle and you ARE Masterchief!

I thought it looked cool!  Now I know why.

I think the biggest of the five is the Excaliber system which totally changes the Forward Artillery Observer into something much more like a Sniper.

Imagine: He creeps forward in the dusk peers out from under a bush.  Lifts his laser rangefinder ( which is combined with digital compass and GPS ) points it at each enemy slit trench in turn presses the button as he targets each.  He crawls backward, keys the mike and says "fire".  15 seconds later 1 Shell per trench lands on target -in the trench-.  No risk to helicopter, no risk to aircraft.

But it's not just trenches.  He could target, tents, Tanks, Fuel depots.

But the poor chap is being risked, perhaps it would be better to combine it with real-time eye-in-the-sky observation...

[DKT]

Not a lot of gamer experience, so mine are pretty much comic-based

Fantasy Weapons

1. Green Lantern Corp ring (and the yellow limitation is officially gone, btw - long weird story)

2. Iron Man's armour

3. Light saber (it's just a shiny katana) with some kind of shiny matching armour

4. And since, technically, I think of the Death Star as a vehicle, I'll add the plane from Battle of the Planets

5. Captain America's shield - offensive and defensive and very snazzy!

I wanted to add a Utility belt - not techinically a weapon, but it would have some seriously cool things in it - but I doubt that would impress the babes

Good call on Captain America's shield.  That would be very cool.  So the GL ring can handle yellow now, huh?  Is nothing sacred!!!!!

Actually, I always thought that was kind of a weird superhero kryptonite, but that's cool.  When did it happen Slic?  Was it Hal or Kyle or someone else?

[slic]

Hey DKT,

I'm not sure how much you've kept up with the DC Universe, so I'll try to be thorough, but brief. 
It started when Coast City was destroyed and Hal goes a bit crazy and starts calling himself Parallax.  He begins killing all sorts of GLs to get there rings(to resurrect COast City), then some stuff happens and he dies to re-ignite the Sun.  Then he became the Spectre, and then he was brought back to "real" life.

When Hal comes back, this evil being called Parrallax escapes the the main giant power battery on OA.  It was then that we learned of the Guardians "trapping" the evil dragon looking thing in the power battery.  The creature was all Yellow (ya, sometimes comics are just goofy),and there was something about the ability of it to feed on fear hence the need for GLs to have no fear. It "infested" Hal and turned him bad, so he got a pardon, so to speak, and got to be a GL again.
The dragon-thingy was the source of the inability of the rings to work on yellow.  Now that it is out of the battery so is the problem.  It's trapped somewhere else, or maybe it's loose, I don't quite remember.

On a semi-tangent, the Sinestro Corps just started up, and they have yellow power rings that, I believe, are powered by fear (haven't read it 'cause haven't made my weekly run yet )

[BlairHippo]

Top Five Spaceships I Want on My Side In A Fight (That I Don't Think Anybody's Mentioned Yet)

And note that this is for situations where a serious fight is unavoidable; retreat specialists like the Milennium Falcon and Serenity need not apply.

• #5:  Nell (Battle Beyond the Stars).  Okay, it's not just that Nell's multi-barrel laser cannons have such a user-friendly interface that a pacifist n00b can start pwnzering professional fighter jocks with just an hour or two of practice.  It isn't just that the ship will start questioning your manhood if you forsake said laser cannons in favor of running like hell.  The ship has boobies.  I'm not kidding.  Check it out: http://www.scifimoviepage.com/images/battle2.jpg.  And while you're checking out Nell's spectacular quadruple-Z-cup titanium alloy rack, boom!  Lasers!  For you!  In the face!  Fired by a pacifist n00b.  Don't you feel silly.  And dead.
• #4:  USS Defiant (Deep Space Nine).  Shows what happens when those peacenik Federation wussies finally get serious about self-defense; she's built like a brick shithouse and stuffed to the gills with weapons.  "Where do you want this science gear installed, sir?"  "Unless by 'science gear' you mean 'more gadgets for turning other starships into bitchin' CGI explosions,' I'm gonna suggest you install it rectally."  Oh, and she has a cloaking device, too.  I respect any ship that can kill you before you're aware you're in a fight.
• #3:  Battlestar Galactica (Duh).  (The new one.  Do I even have to specify?)  Has the nasty versatile offensive punch you'd expect from an interstellar aircraft carrier, but she's also ungodly tough.  Remember the miniseries?  She got nuked multiple times.  Granted, her crew didn't seem particularly happy about this, but Galactica herself was all "That's it?  That's your A-game?  Bitch, please."  And if anything, she's only gotten more bad-assed as time goes on.  This is very clearly a ship that's gone years without so much as a bath, let alone serious maintenance and repairs.  All those scars, blast-marks and slightly-radioactive divots send an unambiguous message:  "Lots of people have tried to kill me, punk.  They tried hard.  I'm still here; they ain't.  You sure you want a piece of this?"
• #2:  Post-Dated Check Loan (Schlock Mercenary).  Gigantic interstellar gun platform controlled by an AI of deeply dubious sanity and crewed by creatures who are unquestionably fuggin' lunatics -- smart, creative lunatics who know how to get the most bang for the buck out of "Petey's" nano-assembler facilities.  (Their torpedoes have on-board teleportation hardware that allows them to bypass the other ship's pesky armor very efficiently.  Oh, and they'll also deploy the torpedoes en masse as a rudimentary but very effective sensor grid -- they call it the "Very Dangerous Array.")  If it absolutely positively has to be blowed-up real good real fast, call in Tagon's Toughs; just don't screw with them when the bill comes due.
• #1:  Lexx (Lexx).  Granted, the show was shit for a variety of reasons.  (Uhm, guys?  That "edgy, convention-defying" character you created, the sex kitten with the hyperactive libido?  She can't get laid in a whorehouse.  Literally.  You're not mocking the sexual conservatism of modern popular sci-fi; you're finding a new way to embrace it.)  But the ship?  Lexx is a planet-killing dragonfly the size of Manhattan Island that's entirely self-maintaining and can be crewed by a single person whose only job requirement is the ability to speak clearly.  In other words, if you're behind the wheel of this bad girl, there isn't a cop in the universe with the stones to pull you over for speeding.