OMFG

[ClintMemo]

BEWARE of people without kids.  They give the most obnoxious presents.  It's always stuff with lots of lights (not too bad) and lots of sounds.  The sounds are funny the first few times; are tolerable the next 15 minutes; will drive you up the wall, across the ceiling, and diving out the f*****g window after half an hour.  They are the devil's work. 

I use those as "Revenge Presents"   

[BrandtPileggi]

Yeah man. We agreed the dog has to go if it's not imminently obvious that he's gonna cooperate. My girlfriend's been worked with dogs for about 14 years and knows them inside-out. She'll make the call. At this point he's about 2 years old and neutral-to-dominant, so he better get his ass in shape quick. If not, we won't have a poblem finding a home for him. He's a great dog so far. And everyone loves Rotti's here. They're damn near impossible to find in shelters, and when they do show up, they only last that 7 day quarentine period before someone snatches them up.

Okay. No super crazy sound things. gotchya. Kill anyone that gives us one. Consider it done.

btw, does anyone know where I can get cool infant clothes. I refuse to get cute shit. I'm looking for pirate/ninja/chuck norris clothes. Or anything else that'll make people laugh. That is, afterall, why I'm having the kid.

[Listener]

I've been busting your hump for three days now, so now I'll give you what I thought was one of the most important things we did.  We prepared the dog.  The dog gets the shock of it's life when a baby shows up and jealousy is normal.  The older and more dominant the dog the harder it is. 

My cats have become more clingy.  One of them -- the one I consider MY cat -- was actually more pissed BEFORE the baby was born.  But when my wife and I got home from the hospital and it turned out the thing in there wasn't another cat, she was even more loving-snuggling than before.

Another one of my cats loves to play with the baby.

My parents have three dogs at their house.  The lab and the mutt (half pitbull half misc terrier, possibly jack russell) like the baby.  The mutt LOVES her.  The third dog, which is a border collie mix, doesn't care for her that much, but he's never bitten her.

I don't know how rotts do when a kid comes home.  If I were you , I'd call a couple dog schools right away and find out what kind of prepsrations your dogs might need.  Maybe it's not a problem with this breed. 

A rottweiler who I'd only known as the dog of my parents' friends tried to save my life once while I was treading water in the pool.  I guess it depends upon the dog.

So many of the books, especially the ones for dads, spend a lot of space with encouragement.  As if the baby won't be born unless I am sufficiently confident.  The baby comes when the baby comes, and within a week you will be flipping diapers, giving baths, and washing bottles like a pro.  I actually thought that this book was pretty good for dads.  And this one is packed full of specific information on development, food, bathing, etc.  The chapter on problems and disease is terrifying, but it's better to be informed than not, and keep in mind that problems and disease are very rare.

I never read any of the books.  And before Alyssa was born, I'd never changed a diaper.  But I think it's ingrained into our collective unconscious; I did just fine the first time, and every time thereafter, without ever being shown how to do it.

As for diseases and problems, just remember that when they say the kid is a little jaundiced, don't panic.  I think every kid is born that way.

Oh... if the hospital offers you to put the baby in the nursery for a while so you and your lady can sleep... ACCEPT THE OFFER!

Don't fear the formula.  Breast milk is great, but some moms don't produce enough to keep the kid happy.  My mom didn't.  I didn't sleep through the night until my parents supplemented the breast milk with some formula.

Use the lactation consultant at the hospital.  Sometimes breast-feeding isn't as easy as it looks on TV.  If a breast pump is required, go with one of the mechanical ones; we have the hand-pump and it was a BITCH to do that for 15 minutes per breast several times a day.  At least with the mechanical ones you can do other stuff like read.

For the love of all things holy do not tell your wife that she is getting bigger.  Make sure that she absolutely clear that you think she is still a hottie despite the changes that her body is going through.   Breast milk is 25% body fat.  A year after giving birth my wife was too small for her pre-pregnancy jeans.  Keep that little fact in your back pocket until you need it. 

My wife gained ten pounds in the first eight months, then another 20-ish in the last six weeks.  She was more concerned that she wasn't showing than that she was.

Oh, and BTW... your lady may want sex while she is pregnant.  If she does, I recommend obliging.  The endorphins will relax both of you.

btw, does anyone know where I can get cool infant clothes. I refuse to get cute shit. I'm looking for pirate/ninja/chuck norris clothes. Or anything else that'll make people laugh. That is, afterall, why I'm having the kid.

Good luck with that.  I've been going crazy trying to find a black onesie.

Target has a few amusing onesies like "Party in my crib at 2am" and "does this diaper make my butt look big" but for the most part, there aren't any cool infant clothes.  Hot Topic may have a few choices, but not that many.

HOWEVER... you can always build one of these.

[jrderego]

Congratulations!!

 

[lowky]

Okay. No super crazy sound things. gotchya. Kill anyone that gives us one. Consider it done.

If it's a bob the builder doll, you must kill them with extreme prejudice in the most painful dragged out manner possible.

btw, does anyone know where I can get cool infant clothes. I refuse to get cute shit. I'm looking for pirate/ninja/chuck norris clothes. Or anything else that'll make people laugh. That is, afterall, why I'm having the kid.

http://www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml  my current fave

[DKT]

Forget Bob the Builder.  My daughter's babysitter/daycare lady gave her a Barney video from her own collection.  I thought I was going to shoot myself.  Barney is a scary thing indeed.  There should be horror stories about what Barny inflicts on you -- such deep psychological terrors.  Luckily, after only watching it once or twice, we managed to hide it. 

[Russell Nash]

I've been busting your hump for three days now, so now I'll give you what I thought was one of the most important things we did.  We prepared the dog.  The dog gets the shock of it's life when a baby shows up and jealousy is normal.  The older and more dominant the dog the harder it is. 

My parents have three dogs at their house.  The lab and the mutt (half pitbull half misc terrier, possibly jack russell) like the baby.  The mutt LOVES her.  The third dog, which is a border collie mix, doesn't care for her that much, but he's never bitten her.

The thing with the dogs is because of jealousy.  It's when the kid comes into their house and takes over.  Grandparents' dogs are normally not a problem.  You can spot whether they'll be a problem very easily. 

When the baby takes over even the best dog can feel left out and they can act very out of the ordinary.  When my parents had their first kid, their collie, normally the best breed for kids, ended up paralyzed.  My mother schlepped the dog to the vet and he said the dog was perfectly healthy.  Then he asked if there were any changes at home.  When my mother mentioned the baby, he started laughing.  My parents made a point of including the dog more and she was fine again. 

Jealousy is an ugly thing in people and it can be scary in dogs.

[ClintMemo]

There should be horror stories about what Barny inflicts on you -- such deep psychological terrors. 

Let me bet the first to say "Superdee Duperdee!"

I was at a Con in Chicago about 10 years ago. There were several pieces of "Anti-Barney" fan art for sale at the auction - Barney and Godzilla gleefully stomping on buildings, Barney in a German SS uniform, Barney hanging from a tree "dead deer" style, you get the idea.

I was lucky that my daughter never got the Barney thing.  Her favorite show was "Blues Clues."

[Leon Kensington]

Yes, but that can be dangerous as well.  Ever heard the one Lessons of a Geekfu Master about that?  Scary.

[lowky]

There should be horror stories about what Barny inflicts on you -- such deep psychological terrors. 

Let me bet the first to say "Superdee Duperdee!"

I was at a Con in Chicago about 10 years ago. There were several pieces of "Anti-Barney" fan art for sale at the auction - Barney and Godzilla gleefully stomping on buildings, Barney in a German SS uniform, Barney hanging from a tree "dead deer" style, you get the idea.

I was lucky that my daughter never got the Barney thing.  Her favorite show was "Blues Clues."

floating around somewhere in my collection of now useless to me floppies (no floppy on current 'puter) is an image titled purple road kill that is a Barney Stuffed Animal with Tire Marks.  Barney might actually be the antichrist.  My real problem with Barney is he paints an unrealistic view of the world.  At least Sesame Street dealt with conflict and differences, and how to resolve those issues.
Not to mention, my personal view of Children is they are little people.  Noone ever gives them credit for how smart they really are.  Barney and with the introduction of Elmo, Sesame Street treat kids like they are simpletons.

[ClintMemo]

I remember reading a couple of years ago that Sesame Street changed it's show because it's original target audience (kids 3-5) was disappearing.  The demographic that used to watch the show was now in preschool/daycare where they were kept away from TV's.  They changed the show to be for 1-2 year olds (hence Elmo) who were much more likely to be watching it.

Barney is annoying, but the Teletubbies were creepy.

[Chodon]

When my parents had their first kid, their collie, normally the best breed for kids, ended up paralyzed. 

That'll be good to know when my wife and I finally decide to have kids.  We've got a collie mix (lord knows with what) that is great around our friend's kids.  I swear she thinks she's Lassie.  One time a friend's kid was crawling up the stairs and my dog just stood behind him to keep him from falling.  I'm hoping she'll be the same way with our kids.  Any books on how to prepare them for the arrival?

[BrandtPileggi]

If my dog does anything but shit gold after my baby's born I'm going to karate chop him in the throat. Expectiations are indeed high.

Thanks again to everyone for the congrats!!! I got to laugh at my GF this morning because she's starting morning sickness. Yay testicles!!! Don't worry, she laughed too.

[Chodon]

Glad to hear your g/f still has a sense of humor during the pregnancy.  The best suggestion I can give is DON'T do the following:
I went to see my step-sister when she was in the hospital in labor, just to say hi.  Try to keep her spirits up and such.  It had been a couple of hours since she started real labor.  Trying to cheer her up and make a joke I made the comment, "you call this labor?  you're laying down!  I've never heard of someone doing anything laborious just laying there!"  Bad idea.  Something about women in labor makes them not want to laugh at anything.  Must be hormones.  Or pain.

[Thaurismunths]

I've never heard of someone doing anything laborious just laying there!"  Bad idea.  Something about women in labor makes them not want to laugh at anything.  Must be hormones.  Or pain.

Yeah. I've heard trying to squeeze a wet St. Bernard our the cat door will do that to a woman.

[BrandtPileggi]

I've never heard of someone doing anything laborious just laying there!"  Bad idea.  Something about women in labor makes them not want to laugh at anything.  Must be hormones.  Or pain.

Yeah. I've heard trying to squeeze a wet St. Bernard our the cat door will do that to a woman.

Okay, I wrote that down. Anyone else have any increadibly insensitive/funy things I can say to her during the labor or pregnancy? Last night we were in bed facing away from each other right before we went to sleep and she kind of half whispered, timidly, "I'm scared." I knew it was my turn to say something sweet. So I waited a couple seconds to let the air of contemplation set in and replied, "What a stupid thing to say. You're scared? That's stupid. Stop feeling stupid feelings. Stupid."

I barely managed to get the last sentence out through the iminent laughter.

[Russell Nash]

When my parents had their first kid, their collie, normally the best breed for kids, ended up paralyzed. 

That'll be good to know when my wife and I finally decide to have kids.  We've got a collie mix (lord knows with what) that is great around our friend's kids.  I swear she thinks she's Lassie.  One time a friend's kid was crawling up the stairs and my dog just stood behind him to keep him from falling.  I'm hoping she'll be the same way with our kids.  Any books on how to prepare them for the arrival?

For a dog, that is naturally a kid dog like a collie, you need to make sure the dog knows the family ranking before the kid comes (dog at bottom). Then you just need to remember the dog was there first.  The dog can't be pushed to the side.  Extra love and extra attention are the keys.

[Chodon]

Anyone else have any incredibly insensitive/funny things I can say to her during the labor or pregnancy?

This isn't something you can say, really.  More advice I heard from a guy I worked with.  He said after she has the baby (I mean RIGHT after) DON'T look down there.  You'll be curious to see how that thing fit out of there.  Don't.  He said everything is inside out and the image of that will flash into your mind ever time you see it from then on.

I've got no firsthand knowledge of this, but it's one of the first things this guy told me when he heard I was getting married.  Must be important.  I've got more stuff that I can't remember right now.  People always give me unsolicited advice for some reason.  Maybe I look like I need it or something.  I'll let you know when I remember something else.

[Mr. Tweedy]

Anyone else have any incredibly insensitive/funny things I can say to her during the labor or pregnancy?

This isn't something you can say, really.  More advice I heard from a guy I worked with.  He said after she has the baby (I mean RIGHT after) DON'T look down there.  You'll be curious to see how that thing fit out of there.  Don't.  He said everything is inside out and the image of that will flash into your mind ever time you see it from then on.

I've got no firsthand knowledge of this, but it's one of the first things this guy told me when he heard I was getting married.  Must be important.  I've got more stuff that I can't remember right now.  People always give me unsolicited advice for some reason.  Maybe I look like I need it or something.  I'll let you know when I remember something else.

Dude, your buddy is a wuss.  I was there helping out for every second of my daughter's birth and, to be frank and honest, I thought it was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life.  This is where people come from.  It's beautiful, and, to me, seeing firsthand what sex leads to make sex even cooler, gives it a pleasant sentimental aspect that it didn't have before.

This is how life happens, people.  Embrace it.  Birth is cool.

Number two on the way in December.  Looking forward. 

[Listener]

Anyone else have any incredibly insensitive/funny things I can say to her during the labor or pregnancy?

This isn't something you can say, really.  More advice I heard from a guy I worked with.  He said after she has the baby (I mean RIGHT after) DON'T look down there.  You'll be curious to see how that thing fit out of there.  Don't.  He said everything is inside out and the image of that will flash into your mind ever time you see it from then on.

I've got no firsthand knowledge of this, but it's one of the first things this guy told me when he heard I was getting married.  Must be important.  I've got more stuff that I can't remember right now.  People always give me unsolicited advice for some reason.  Maybe I look like I need it or something.  I'll let you know when I remember something else.

Dude, your buddy is a wuss.  I was there helping out for every second of my daughter's birth and, to be frank and honest, I thought it was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life.  This is where people come from.  It's beautiful, and, to me, seeing firsthand what sex leads to make sex even cooler, gives it a pleasant sentimental aspect that it didn't have before.

This is how life happens, people.  Embrace it.  Birth is cool.

Number two on the way in December.  Looking forward. 

I didn't really want to see my daughter come out, but it ended up happening that way -- the doula got me to help with something, and I ended up in that vicinity.  It wasn't bad... just odd...  It is kind of amazing how big they actually are, even the small ones; Alyssa was only 18" or so and less than 6#.

[Chodon]

Anyone else have any incredibly insensitive/funny things I can say to her during the labor or pregnancy?

This isn't something you can say, really.  More advice I heard from a guy I worked with.  He said after she has the baby (I mean RIGHT after) DON'T look down there.  You'll be curious to see how that thing fit out of there.  Don't.  He said everything is inside out and the image of that will flash into your mind ever time you see it from then on.

I've got no firsthand knowledge of this, but it's one of the first things this guy told me when he heard I was getting married.  Must be important.  I've got more stuff that I can't remember right now.  People always give me unsolicited advice for some reason.  Maybe I look like I need it or something.  I'll let you know when I remember something else.

Dude, your buddy is a wuss.  I was there helping out for every second of my daughter's birth and, to be frank and honest, I thought it was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life.  This is where people come from.  It's beautiful, and, to me, seeing firsthand what sex leads to make sex even cooler, gives it a pleasant sentimental aspect that it didn't have before.

This is how life happens, people.  Embrace it.  Birth is cool.

Number two on the way in December.  Looking forward. 

I didn't really want to see my daughter come out, but it ended up happening that way -- the doula got me to help with something, and I ended up in that vicinity.  It wasn't bad... just odd...  It is kind of amazing how big they actually are, even the small ones; Alyssa was only 18" or so and less than 6#.

I do plan on being there when my wife and I have kids, and I'll probably watch the whole thing.  It seems like a 50/50 split between people who were glad they were there and those who wish they weren't.  I don't think I would want it any other way, and I know I would regret it if I just sat in the waiting room (my wife would make sure of that).  And for the record, the guy who told me that had three kids, so he did go back for more. 

Congrats on number two, Mr. Tweedy!

[Listener]

I totally wanted to be in the room... I just, in the beginning, didn't want to see the baby come out.  But it happened, and the world didn't end.  Next time I won't worry so much.

[Russell Nash]

It's not the part with the baby coming out.  That's amazing.  It's the everything returning to size and the imbilical cord still sticking out and then the placenta lying there.  I looked and it didn't scar me, but it's not as nice as the baby part.

IMPORTANT:  All babies are a bit blue when they come out.  Don't be freaked.

[Listener]

When Alyssa came out, she was crying right away (which was good, meant she could breathe), and she had this really cute chin-quiver... she opened her mouth and quiver quiver quiver quiver...

It stopped after a couple of weeks.

[Chodon]

The stuff that wierds me out about pregnancy the most is how the baby pretty much takes over the mother's body.  It reminds me of the alien movies.  The baby pretty much causes the mother's internal organs to completely rearrange.  Not to mention they get crazy protective of their belly.  A guy I know said he took his wife out to a fancy dinner when she was pregnant.  The waiter came by with a crumb scraper to clean off the table.  Ladies first and all he came at the wife's side of the table with the sharp, metal crumb scraper and his wife reacted by grabbing the guy's wrist...hard.  She's a pretty small lady, but she bruised the guy's arm pretty bad.  He said it was just a reaction from this dude coming at her stomach with a sharp metal object.  She apologized and all after the fact, but to react like that is just weird.

To me pregnancy is like sci-fi in real life...