Amazingly, I did not see the twist coming at the end. I saw that Dave = Astroboy "twist", but not that Dave was still in a coma. Good storytelling there.
As annoying as I think "let me tell you this story" stories can be, I think they lend themselves really well to EP and PP (and PC, I'm sure) because the narrator can tell the story in a consistent voice, without needing to play the narrator as well as the MC. Norm did an excellent job staying in voice and playing some of the incredulity (as was noted, "watch this shit"). However, I think the chosen voice might have worked better for a villain than a hero; he sounded way too sinister at times. However, I would definitely be open to hearing more Norm Sherman on EP/PP/PC.
I think, in terms of storytelling as a whole, toward the end the author relied too much on comparisons to other films/stories that the reader may not have seen (I have never seen North by Northwest, though I have seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off). A similar problem cropped up in the "Night Watch" series of books -- the author referred too often to metal/rock song lyrics. I understand this is part of the Digger character, but I think it could've been done better. Also, a nitpicky thing, but at one point either the author or the reader turned an "asks" to "asked" and pulled me out of the present-tense flow of the story.
The imagery was superb -- the burger, the monkeys, the butt-flaming, the leaf in the burger at the end, and the incidental way Digger refers to his lasers, not trying to explain what they are or what they do, just noting that they exist. Jill was a good foil for Digger as he told his story.
I agree with Steve in that there's been less humor around -- even in the fanfic and original-fic-by-friends that I read, and in some of my own fic, I've noticed a trend toward less-than-humorous stuff. I didn't find this story really funny at first, just interesting, but as we learned more about the monkeys and the characters, I found myself laughing along in places.
Of course, my own perception of less humor around might be in that I just finished "I Am Charlotte Simmons", which gets really depressing toward the end, with a very short payoff back to "normalcy".
Overall, very pleased with Astromonkeys.